BREAKING: Dining Dollars to Become Official Currency of Philadelphia

Following its recent announcement to require all sophomores to be on a dining plan, Penn is now moving to require all residents of the greater Philadelphia area to also be on Penn's meal plan. It hopes to phase out the Unites States Dollar entirely, replacing it with the Dining Dollar. 

Penn, which just recently allowed dining workers to receive COVID tests, hopes the move will ensure that all dining workers remain overworked and poorly treated.

"We really can't afford to allow sophomores to patronize local businesses," says Penn President and outspoken fossil fuels advocate Amy Gutmann. 

"If Penn hopes to achieve economic and political sovereignty, we must start by taking over the economy of Philadelphia. Residents should not be angry that we are forcing them to join Penn's meal plan. They have so many options, from Hill College House to the Class of 1920 Commons to the pasta bar in Houston Hall."

By requiring all Philadelphians to use Dining Dollars, Penn hopes to both strengthen the currency and tighten its grip on the city. The University plans to roll out the measure by taking immediate possession of all assets in the city, both liquid and otherwise. Residents will then receive their Dining Dollars, one for every thirty United States Dollars they previously owned.