Ego of the Weak: Kite and Key

Welcome to Ego of the Weak, a new weekly segment here at Under the Button where we interview members of the most morally reprehensible, unnecessary, and borderline psychotic clubs on this pathetic campus. For our first installment, we’re sitting down with Kite & Key, Penn’s Tour Guide Society, to ask them who the fuck they think they are, and why the fuck we should care.

Under The Button: What does Kite & Key do? 

Kite & Key: Great question. We lead the campus’s largest misinformation campaign in which we try to convince bright-eyed and bushy-tailed prospective students that this miserable and disgusting school could actually become their home for the next four years — despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. 

UTB: Why did you join Kite & Key?

K&K: Ultimately, I am obsessed with hearing the sound of my own voice — in fact, when other people speak, it makes me viscerally sick. I’ve also always had a proclivity for backward walking and repressing my trauma, and would be thrilled to add both to my resume.

UTB: What’s the best part of being in Kite & Key?

K&K: I’m looking to go into a telephone scam after I graduate, so I feel like being a tour guide for Kite & Key can really add to my skill set. Also, I’m a huge fan of Dean Furda and I relish the opportunity to see him every day at work. 

Crew member: Dean Furda actually left.

K&K: Fuck. 

UTB: No worries. What’s your favorite part of the tour? 

K&K: Personally, my favorite part is when all the kids ooh and ahh outside of Huntsman, a building full of human dildos and high vaulted ceilings.

UTB: How much money do you guys earn? 

K&K: So actually, we like to think that we pay our members in experience and exposure! That’s the real currency of life, am I right? Not to mention our members get access to such a nice decrepit little closet to study in. Throw in a knock-off Swell, a sweater scented with Amy Gutmann’s piss, and a cute lil laptop sticker and you’ve got yourself a deal — can someone say fair labor practices! 

LIGHTNING ROUND!

If you had a superpower, what would it be?

Bitch, I already have one: walking backward and convincing impressionable high schoolers that Penn is the best and actually only elite institution in the world.

What do you tell prospective students when they ask about the problematic history of the Penn Police Department, especially in light of the recent push for racial justice in our country? 

Great question. Next.

What do you tell prospective students when they ask about the issue of sexual assault on campus and its direct link to the centralized presence of Greek Life on campus? 

Next question. 

What do you tell prospective students when they ask about problems with CAPS and high suicide rates?

I actually have a tour in a few, is this almost over? 

There are two types of people at Penn…

People who are here to reproduce the class structure and people who are the class structure.

And you are?

...Isn’t it obvious?