Feminists Mad Penn is Keeping their Periods Quiet!

The University of Pennsylvania has struck again! Under the guise of the “Quiet Period,” a two-week moratorium on campus life and activities, the administration has been silencing student’s menstruation. 

Penn has taken several steps in their campaign to keep periods quiet. They have stopped putting tampons and sanitary pads in women’s bathrooms. They converted “The Tampons” sculpture into two giant DD breasts to appeal more to the male population. Most egregiously, women are no longer free to run around campus throwing their period blood at unsuspecting passersby. The patriarchy at its worst! 

In protest, students broke into the Penn athletic pool and filled it with period blood to show the University they mean business and that no one can deny the connection women have with the moon and tides. 

To put the matter to bed, the administration released a statement: “We do not deny the existence of women nor their special connection with the supernatural. We do not deny the power of the womb.” 

They have since announced plans for a “Loud Period” in which Locust bricks will be painted with period blood and red womanly excretions will be served in dining rooms alongside milk. 

Unfortunately, many students have taken this as an opportunity to party, but rest assured, the Campus Compact will save us all.