Forehead, Nose, Tongue, and Other Creative and Sanitary Ways to Press Elevator Buttons

 With the pandemic raging across campus and spreading faster than AIDS at a fraternity party, here are some UTB approved suggestions that will protect you from the germs on elevator buttons. 

Forehead

Your forehead is a very good option when it comes to pressing elevator buttons. Due to its large surface area, the germs on the elevator button will be distributed evenly across your forehead. This can be mathematically proven with the formula (Germ density) = (Mols of germs) / (Area). 

Nose

Your nose is a good alternative to your fingers because it is extremely close to your eyes. This way, you do get germs on your nose from touching the elevator button, you will be able to see them with your own eyes, since your nose is right there in front of you, always there. There’s no way of escaping the sight of your nose, and that’s something you’ll have to live with for the rest of your life. 

Tongue

The warmth and acidity of your saliva will easily kill any germs. If it doesn't just be sure to brush your teeth and floss after pressing the elevator with your tongue. Another benefit of using your tongue is that you will be able to taste whether or not there are germs on the button. This is something you can’t do with your fingers. If the button tastes funny, then there must be germs. 

Shoes

If you have the flexibility, you can karate kick the button. This is an incredibly sanitary way to press the button because you never touch the bottom of your shoes anyway. If you’re going to get rona germs on your body, might as well put them on the bottom of your shoes with all the crap on the floor. You don’t need to worry about the sanitation of other people pressing the buttons later because they will be using UTB strategies for anti-germ protection as well. 

Phone

Your phone is a great option because you most likely are already holding it. Additionally, the heat from your phone should be able to kill any germs. This is why you don’t need to regularly disinfect your phone. You take your phone everywhere you go; you take a shit with it, you cook with it on the countertop, and you cuddle with it in your bed. Because of the heat, your phone is able to defend itself from all that crap that has been smeared all over it. 

Some may notice that the penis is notably missing from this list. We suggest that you do not use your penis to press elevator buttons, since that would be incredibly unsanitary and indecent.