V-Day Activity! Fuck, Marry, Kill - Penn Edition

1. Ben on the Bench, The Tampons, The Woman by 34th Street

Fuck: Tampons - You literally won’t be able to walk for days afterwards.

Marry: Woman by 34th St - She’s confident, mysterious, and she won’t be able to tell if you put on weight during your 40s.

Kill: Ben - Please just put him out of his misery already.

2. A Sammy boy, a ~sorority~ girl, a freshman who lives in the Quad

Fuck: Freshman - They don’t know what good sex feels like yet, so you don’t have to worry about impressing them. Plus, if you’re lucky, they might let you cuddle with them on their blue twin mattress.

Marry: Sammy boy - You know you’re looking for a nice NJB to bring home to mom.

Kill: Sorority girl - Unless corona did it first.

3. Law student, Medical student, Dental student

Fuck:

Marry: All of them - Don’t be stupid.

Kill: 

4.  Amy G., Wendell P., Benoit D.

Fuck: Benoit - He is literally the only person you can trust enough to have a one night stand with right now.

Marry: Amy - Self explanatory

Kill: Wendell - Think twice before you fuck with my Super Bowl Sunday, bitch.

5.  Zoom, Bluejeans, Microsoft Teams

Fuck: Bluejeans - The name is suggestive; she’s basically asking for it.

Marry: Zoom - You’re familiar with her, you can trust her, and people like her but not enough to actually be jealous.

Kill: Microsoft Teams - Bill Gates literally put microchips in the vaccines. Do NOT.

6. 39th St. Starbucks, Bookstore Starbucks, 34th St. Starbucks, Starbucks Under Commons, Acme Starbucks

Fuck: Acme - It’s new, small, vulnerable, innocent, sleek, sexy. What more could a predator want in a Starbucks.

Marry: 39th - Their morning playlists make you feel like they’ve known you forever.

Kill: Bookstore - They require you to climb stairs. Not worth it.

Mistress: 34th - The baristas will flirt with you in front of all the other customers. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you’re ugly.

Breakup Sex: Stommons - He’s familiar but not in a good way. Yet, you keep going back.

7. Your roommate, your other roommate, your other other roommate

Fuck: Your roommate - You’re horny and it’s way too easy.

Marry: Your roommate - What a cute love story that would be!

Kill: Your roommate - If they rehearse over Zoom with their a cappella group even one more time I swear to god.

8. Wharton, Nursing, Engineering

Fuck: Engineering - You know they have big dicks. You just know.

Marry: Nursing - They’re all really fucking hot and will also take good care of you in your old age.

Kill: Wharton - UTB has completely run out of cheap jokes to make about Wharton students, so it's time for them to go. 

9. UTB, DP, 34th Street

Fuck: UTB - Our members’ average hotness rating is a 9.95 (and it’s only because James took us down a notch).

Marry: DP - She’ll probably pester you quite a bit with things you don’t care about, but at least she’s reliable.

Kill: 34th Street - ~vomits uncontrollably~