Michael Prioritizing Self This Semester, Drops Every Class With A Canvas Page

Some people vow to go to sleep earlier, others promise to finally quit social media, and some even talk about only smoking crystal meth once a week max -- but the one thing they all have in common: none of them have the balls to actually do it. However, Michael Sloane (W’ 23, C’ 23), has recently shown the Penn student body what true commitment to self-care looks like: dropping every class with a Canvas page.

UTB met with Michael to ask him about the events which inspired him to execute this courageous decision. “First, I’d like to thank my dude Jacob at CAPS,” he told us. “During the five minutes we spent talking before he referred me to someone who charges $200/hr, he told me that I needed to ‘prioritize myself’. When I asked him what that meant, he told me that ‘self-care can look like a lot of different things’. My self-care looked like smoking a fat J with my spiked Met latte every morning, ghosting that APhi girl I was afraid might catch feelings, and masturbating, like, twice as frequently. And let me tell you, it did wonders.”

Trish Crow (N’ 23), one of Michael’s closest friends, told UTB that while she is “at least moderately concerned about the status of Michael’s academic career”, she also admires his determination and stick-to-it-iveness. “I don’t think many people understand the kind of resolve and strength of character it takes to drop a class within the first four minutes. Just last semester, I stuck it out in a pure elective class that had readings that were actually tested on the exams, synchronous lecture from 6-9 p.m. on Friday nights, and, worst of all, the least-fuckable professor I’ve ever met. If only I had the willpower to drop the class as soon as I was added to the Canvas page, I would have a better, healthier, GPA today.”

When Michael was asked what he had against Canvas pages in particular, his answer was “The whole thing just gives me bad vibes, man. The discussion post font makes me want to vomit, the app is so poorly organized that sometimes I really believe it’s worse than ‘Penn Eats’, and the ‘Zoom’ tab never. Has. The. Fucking. Link. I just refuse to put up with this bullshit anymore. That’s why, I refuse to take any class which isn’t run through the one online platform that students actually comprehend and enjoy using: Campus Express.”