Seniors: Five Signs It’s Time to Start Lying About Your Age

We’re all accustomed to lying about our ages. For many years, we had to lie upwards in order to buy booze and get into bars. Then, one day, bam! You’re old enough to drink. And then wham! People will be asking about your life plans, talking about trends you don’t understand, and making you feel old for still taking introductory lectures. Don’t let this happen to you. Start lying about your age before the world attempts to thrust responsibilities upon you that provide nothing but stress and general confusion. 

1. People start asking you about your career plans, not your major. For three years, you can field all career goal questions with an easy “I’m a Chemistry major with a Women's Studies minor!” Eventually, the jackals will start asking about what you’re planning on doing after college. When this inevitably happens, look them straight in the eye and say, “I’m an incoming freshman, and I don’t know who told you otherwise.”
2. Everyone starts using social media that you don’t understand. How do they get all those movie clips and audio samples on TikTok? Do they have to buy and upload the movies? For many of us, we are frightened by what we do not understand. If someone treats you like an old geezer for not understanding how they get the audio onto TikTok, dig deep down into your soul and tell them, “I’m a hot, sexy, rambunctious seventeen-year-old, and I dance in weird places without feeling the need to post about it on the Internet.”
3. Adults start trying to talk to you about investments. We’re not talking about your parents urging you to do something productive with the money you made over the summer and put it in a money mutual fund (as if UberEats and goPuff aren’t considered productive uses of your money - ridiculous). We’re not talking about shorting GameStop; that was a meme, and I’m pretty sure it didn’t actually work out for most of them. We’re talking real-life stocks and bonds and things that I can’t even make jokes about because I simply do not understand. If someone tries to discuss  stocks and bonds and things you do not understand, feel free to just respond with, “Hey, I’m just a twelve-year-old kid!”
4. You’re unsure of whether or not your goPuff joke makes you look old. Without a doubt, people are still using UberEats. That’s not going anywhere, although the youths today might not remember the glory days of when the Uber CEO got caught in a new scandal every month and prices were always really low for a while afterwards. But goPuff? It’s certainly still in business. Maybe kids today have an entrepreneurial spirit that drives them to go buy their own beer and [insert name of a vaping device that is newer and cooler than the Juul, maybe “the Puff Bar”]. If someone tells you that no one orders from goPuff anymore, hit them with, “I’m actually eleven, and me and my cool, young friends do it all the time.”
5. Someone uses a word you don’t understand. “We were immured in our parents’ mansion during shelter-in-place.” “My professor’s excoriation of my essay made me feel like a real asshole.” “I arrogate that these are all universal experiences.” Maybe you knew these words for the SAT vocab section, but that was a long, long time ago. If you are viciously attacked with a word that flies right over your head, let those pretentious know that you are a two-year-old who already knows eighty words, and that is very advanced for your age.