TBH: I Need Like, Two Consecutive Weeks of Engagement Days

You know those things they’re doing this semester? “Engagement Days,” or something? Dude. Whatever they’re called, all I know is that I need, like, two consecutive weeks of them.

One measly day isn’t enough to process the trauma of calling your professor Mom, let alone one to four whole years of undergrad. Yo, Gutmann! Don’t leave me high and dry here.

Okay. If they were really trying to give us a break, then why in Christ’s name would they make it on a Friday? Who was the genius that came up with that one, huh? A Friday, dude! Look at me — do you think I even have classes on Friday? And no, recitations don’t count!

Engagement Days. Engagement Days! Why, oh why are they even called that? Beats me — hell, the only thing I’m “engaging” with is a Natty Light and an episode of Friends. Honestly dude, if you tried that out every once in a while, then maybe you wouldn’t have such a stick up your ass half the time.

What’s up, bro? You — you got a problem with me? Look, I just want two more consecutive weeks of engagement — is that too much to ask?! Huh? What? No, I — of course I’m good for it! What are you saying?! You look me straight in my bloodshot, vascularized eyes and TELL ME I’M NOT GOOD FOR IT!

Haha, okay, you wanna engage? Let’s engage, buddy! You and me. Let’s make this an “Engagement Day” they won’t soon forget. Oh, they’ll be writing about this one in the books, I tell you. My fists are about to “engage” with your lower mandible, you hear? Then, while you’re “engaged” with the floor, I’m going to be “engaging” with my asthma medication before I return to “engage” the heel of my foot into your solar plexus! How does that sound, my guy?! Quite unpleasant, wouldn’t you say?!

...oh my goodness. What… what just happened? Bro, I’m so sorry. No, no, I didn’t mean any of that. The engagement just… got to my head, is all.

Two more Engagement Days to go, man. Two more to go.