Architect Who Worked on High Rises Honestly Shocked They're All Still Standing

Tragic! An exclusive interview with architect Joseph Redd went horribly awry last Tuesday after he came to the realization that his buildings were, indeed, still standing.

“No, no, this is all wrong,” muttered the nonagenarian, watching in horror as students blithely walked in and out of the miraculously sturdy residence halls. “Holy shit.”

As we began our tour, the expression on the chief architect’s face quickly changed from disbelief to profound dread. Redd was especially shocked that the elevators could still support the weight of two students after decades of tension and subsurface corrosion on the main cable.

“Listen, kid,” Redd shrieked, grabbing one of our correspondents by the collar. “No, no, forget about the interview! You gotta get everyone outta here! You don't understand — these buildings were supposed to be replaced in the goddamn 80s. Are you listening to me? Things were different back then. We ran out of steel, so guess what we used for Rodin’s foundation? Asbestos, pure asbestos! And don’t even get me started on Harnwell. Two words: expanding foam.”

Redd’s words do have a bit of truth to them. The high rises were built in 1969 as temporary residences, and it’s definitely a miracle that there hasn’t been any particularly strong gusts of wind since then.

Despite this, most students remain pretty unconcerned about the whole thing.

“Besides the occasional pipe burst or whole-building power outage, it’s actually not that bad of a place to live,” said Harrison resident Larry Stone (C ‘23). “The failing infrastructure and crumbling edifices are honestly kinda charming.”