OP-ED: In Defense of Staggering, Humiliating Failure (for My Enemies)

If there’s anything we learn above all else in our years at an Ivy League University that is consistently on the brink of existential crisis because its name sounds more similar to the name of a state school than to HYP, it’s that winning isn’t everything. Think about it: For some to win, others need to lose. We cannot succeed without others failing. We cannot live in a world where everyone wins all the time, and fortunately, I don’t want that. At all. I have a lot of enemies, and I want them all to fail.

Besides, failing builds character! I mean, I’d personally rather have my character be a winner, but there are lots of different characters to choose from. No one would want to watch a show where everyone's a winner (except, I guess, The West Wing, but that show is basically just a liberal wet dream). In fifty years, when my enemies look back on their lives, I want them to find peace knowing that they failed spectacularly, learned from it, and never crossed me again for as long as they lived. I’m not sure how they’d draw the connection between me and their failure other than the fact that I was vociferously rooting for it, but when I imagine the scenario while I’m jacking off (in between episodes of The West Wing), they definitely know I had something to do with it. 

In short, it is important to experience failure in order to be a well-rounded, empathetic member of society. Although the body of my argument may not necessarily point to this conclusion, this is the point that I am making. Failure is important. Everyone should experience staggering, humiliating failure, but my enemies should experience it most of all. And also, I should experience it never.