Ego of the Weak: Class Board

Welcome to Ego of the Weak, our weekly segment here at Under the Button where we interview members of the most morally reprehensible, unnecessary, and borderline psychotic clubs on this pathetic campus. For this week’s installment, we’re sitting down with Class Board, Penn’s favorite group of narcissists, to ask them who the fuck they think they are, and why the fuck we should care.

UTB: What does the Class Board do? 

Class Board: We like to think of ourselves as this campus’ biggest movers, shakers, and Quakers! That is to say, we’re Penn’s biggest sycophants who will literally risk it all for one selfie with the girlboss herself, Amy G.

UTB: Why did you originally run for Class Board? 

CB: We all have anxious-preoccupied attachment styles and need constant validation and love from all of our peers, whether or not it is coerced, to feel like life is worth living. Oh, and we really wanted to get into Friars. 

UTB: Where the fuck is my P-sweater? 

CB: Ah yes, because Class Board can create, sell, and ship hundreds of sweaters around the world with a snap of a finger.

UTB: Ok we think you should maybe just chill. 

CB: Take that energy and sign up to mentor a freshman! :)

UTB: How do you get elected when no one likes you? 

CB: Off the record? We create hundreds of fake Penn IDs and vote for ourselves over and over. It’s the only way to maintain absolute power.

UTB: What have you gotten out of this experience? 

CB: Well, as a Class Board we like to quantify our achievements so people know we’re not slacking! As a Board, we have amassed approximately 657 selfies with Amy Gutmann, two invites to Amy Gutmann’s house parties, and two friends. Not to mention, our invasion of the freshmen GroupMe has led to the loss of several virginities — three of them our own!

UTB: What percentage of the class board budget has been embezzled each year? 

CB: We prefer the term “use for discretionary funds”. But we’ve put the funds to good use, including the purchase of several boosted boards for several of our members and a number of very successful spring break trips to Cancun. 

UTB: What has the Class Board achieved over the years?

CB: Well, freshman year we organized the Econ scream, and we thought that was pretty fun and neat!

UTB: Anything else? 

CB: I don’t understand what you mean. 

Lightning Round: 

UTB: How does everyone’s ego fit in one room? 

We only meet in a stadium.

UTB: How do you navigate the cognitive dissonance of loathing this institution while simultaneously whoring for it? 

CB: University-sanctioned hypnotherapy.

UTB: Have the puppies cured campus depression? 

CB: No. We’ll keep trying though!

UTB: There are two types of people at Penn…

CB: The fifteen people who vote in elections and everyone else. 

UTB: And you are?

CB: Where do you think those votes came from?