Ego of the Weak: Under the Button

Welcome to Ego of the Weak, our weekly segment here at Under the Button where we interview members of the most morally reprehensible, unnecessary, and borderline psychotic clubs on this pathetic campus. For this week’s installment, we’re sitting down with Under the Button (talking to ourselves), to reflect on the error of our ways. 

UTB: What does Under the Button do? 

UTB: Under the Button is a leftist terrorist group that seeks to incite violence and civil unrest on the Penn campus and throughout the world mainly through its vigorous disinformation campaigns.

UTB: How does it feel to be the most trusted source of news on this campus? 

UTB: It feels amazing knowing that we’re the sole source of news on this campus.

UTB: If you had to describe the composition of your club in three words, what would those three words be? 

UTB: Jews, girls, and gays, just like the rest of this God-forsaken campus.  

UTB: So we heard that you’re moving into the digital sphere with a new app, why are you trying to assault this campus with 5G cancer beams? 

UTB: Bill Gates is a longtime friend of Under the Button, and we support him in all of his endeavors. That’s all we’re legally allowed to say.

UTB: Does Penn support your satirical journalistic endeavours?

UTB: We’ve never published a satirical article.

UTB: How does it feel to engage in Marxist rhetoric while simultaneously taking part in the Daily Pennsylvanian Industrial complex? 

UTB: We have not yet been liberated from our bourgeois oppressors, but that does not mean that we never will be. We are poor, we are weak, but we are many. We have nothing to lose except our chains. 

UTB: What’s your favorite UTB article? 

UTB: This one! 

UTB: How do you write your articles?

UTB: On the rare occasion that we do actually write articles, we do so drunk on absinthe and high on ketamine.

UTB: How did you all get so ugly? 

UTB: While initially UTB was made up of exclusively cool and exclusively hot members of the Penn community, given the current political climate and economy, they just don’t make Penn students like they used to and we had to settle for our current staff. Also, inbreeding.

UTB: Have you ever written an original piece of content, like ever?

UTB: We write most of the joke so it’s only fair that we get a break every once in a while. 

Lightning round:

Who is your inspiration? 

Rudy Giuliani.

Is it true that you are the biological mother of Dean Furda’s children?

No comment, but yes, and he’s exactly what you think he’s like in bed ;) 

What is your astrological sign composition?

Leo sun, Leo moon, and Leo rising, exclusively <3. We kill Virgos indiscriminately. 

Fuck, marry, kill: The Daily Pennsylvanian, 34th Street, and Under the Button.

Kill The Daily Pennsylvanian, kill 34th Street, kill Under the Button, fuck The UPenn Statesman.

There are two types of people at UTB...

Those who go to therapy and those that talk about needing therapy.

And you are? 

Take a guess, bestie! 

So basically: Are you, like, a not funny The Onion site? 

Yes.