Breaking: In-Person Graduation Announced to be 'Nerds Only'

Today Penn announced that they would be holding an in-person graduation ceremony this spring. The administration needs to ensure that graduation will not become a super spreader event, however, so attendance will only be available for certain groups of individuals.

The email states that students who have not violated the campus compact will be allowed to attend, but this is not the only group the school will permit. Also allowed to attend graduation will be students who still cough when they hit a vape, students who went stag or “with a friend” to senior prom in high school, students who think beer tastes “yucky”, and students who are still virgins.

“You know we just really have to make sure no one coming to this event will spread the virus,” said Provost Wendell Pritchett. “We picked these groups because we’re sure none of them have done anything cool during the pandemic that would expose them to COVID-19.” The move is severe, but not surprising, as Penn has a long and proud history of being a nerds-first school.