Girl Who Hates Her Birthday Makes Big Deal About Birthday

Listen...it’s my birthday today and the one thing you cannot say to me is “Happy Birthday.” It’s one thing if you don’t know it’s my birthday (which is today). I am willing to be the bigger person and forgive you for this heinous mistake. But if you know me and when my birthday is (again, today), how dare you force me to respond to your stupid little birthday message.

What do you want me to say? Thanks for thinking of me? Thank you for the heartfelt message you probably poured your heart and soul into, reminiscent of the 40 other birthday wishes I received today. Do you actually care about me? Or are you checking a box off in your attempt to convince yourself you have a moral compass?

Another thing you can’t say to me when you inevitably find out it is my birthday today is, “Why didn’t you tell me?!” Why are you making this about yourself? What don’t you get? I am a cool, chill girl who just doesn’t care about my birthday. I am getting a pap smear done today, filing my taxes, and doing literally anything but celebrate my birthday. Oh, you want to demonstrate your love for me on a day you know has no significance, but still gives you an excuse to cherish me as a loved one? You’re so fucking selfish, shut up.

Basically, it’s my birthday today and I don’t want you to make a big deal about it at all, otherwise I’ll murder you. If you actually cared about me, maybe you would save our world from climate disaster or help me pay my rent. Otherwise, shove your birthday message up your ass.