Report: Personal Meeting Rooms Essentially the Same as Third Base

The science is in! A new study from the Penn Department of Sociology has confirmed that joining someone’s Personal Meeting Room on Zoom is basically the same as getting to third base with them.

“The atmosphere, intimacy, and sexual tension of a Personal Meeting Room all work in tandem to create a unique bond between both parties,” Professor Judith Stout explained to our reporter. “It’s honestly… kind of filthy.”

In light of these new findings, the university has adopted a set of guidelines for students who choose to hide away in secluded meeting rooms and whisper sweet nothings into each other’s ears until the wee hours of the morning.

“Always wear protection and, for the love of Pete, use a passcode.” Wendell Pritchett advised in a mass email sent out last Sunday. “I know what you guys do, with your freaky little virtual backgrounds or whatever. Believe me — nobody wants to see that.”

Thanks to Zoom’s extensive suite of features, students have had no issue getting down n’ dirty in their digital meeting rooms.

“I get so turned on by having the other participant stand by in my waiting room until I’m ready for them to join,” Richard Sandoval (C ‘22) admitted, beginning to sweat a little. “Oh, and don’t even get me started on the ‘raise hand’ feature.”

Research continues to be conducted into finding ways to extend the meeting time past 40 minutes.

“I mean, come on. 40 minutes just isn’t enough time for anything interesting, you know?” Stout said with a smirk.