Penn Positive Psychology Center Preaches Positive Mindsets for Lower Positivity Rate

 One institution at Penn is taking credit for Penn’s COVID-19 test positivity rate plummeting from “holy crap” levels to “we good” levels: the Penn Positive Psychology Center.

The Center, which conducts research in cutting edge fields like how to not be sad and why giving up is bad, traces a direct link between its efforts and the improving COVID-19 situation. 

“Psychology people often talk about the importance of a growth mindset but here we’re seeing the positive effects of a decline mindset!” senior researcher Dr. Ann Sidwig said.

When Under the Button reached out for an interview an automated response screamed “POSITIVITY, POSITIVITY, POSITIVITY,” for a full 30 seconds before a disgustingly happy human voice responded. The Center dismissed other theories for why the positivity rate had fallen such as warmer weather, fewer frat parties or students panicking into finally complying with the Compact. “Nonsense, it’s all about positivity baby,” Sidwig said though it’s unclear whether she meant the positivity rate or positive psychology.

• Given the apparent power of positive psychology who knows what these groundbreaking researchers will do next at Penn. But for now, we thank them for their vital(?) role in making this miserable, cold campus less disease-ridden.