Students Kicked from Campus as Penn’s Acceptance Rate Drops into the Negatives

 Every year, the acceptance rates of elite colleges seem to drop to another unbelievably low level. In an effort to stay ahead of the curve and finally prove themselves as the most elite, Penn’s admissions committee has announced that for the 2020-2021 application season, the acceptance rate for the incoming class has dropped below zero to -5.3%. “This is an unprecedented level of eliteness that other schools wish they could achieve”, declared Amy Guttman in the rejection letter sent to every single high school senior that applied this admissions cycle. “It is also important to note that we are not ready to be complacent with our current student population.” 

As a result, students will be required to spar the Penn Quaker mascot in a one versus one boxing match in order to determine whether they will remain enrolled. Those who are knocked out will be immediately thrown off campus and their items burned because Penn does not associate with weak individuals. “If you want to try that pathetic bullshit, pack your bags for Harvard and their positive acceptance rate,” wrote Gutmann. Perhaps the greatest concern on the mind of every students is how Penn will continue to maintain the pristine classrooms of DRL, provide absolutely delicious food from Commons, and build yet another new squash court without the steady income provided by another incoming class of freshmen. Thankfully, the administration also announced that all students, including sophomores to seniors, will be required to live on campus to “create a cohesive community of elite scholars.”