College Admissions Offices Promise to Preserve Legacy of Cultural Bias Even Without SAT Scores

Although the SAT is now officially optional on all Penn applications, the College Admissions Office has promised its students that it will not be doing away with its legacy of cultural bias, a cornerstone of Penn’s illustrious reputation. They will simply be getting more creative with how they judge students. 

A representative explained, “Anyone with the first name ‘Montgomery’ or ‘Whitaker’ is now automatically admitted. We also have a list of approved surnames, and if anyone is a ‘the third’, they will be granted special attention. All students who are a ‘third’ and go by the nickname ‘Trip’ will receive an accelerated admissions process. Students with the nickname ‘Trip’ should indicate it on their application under the Awards section.”

“The cultural bias inherent in the SATs is despicable,” the representative continued. “People study for years just to take a test that’s rigged against them. We think this is fundamentally unfair. Students shouldn’t have to waste their time studying for an exam when there are much simpler ways for us to find what I am not legally allowed to call ‘desirable characteristics’ but can call ‘the traits that are desired’. We want students to be able to relax and enjoy themselves, knowing that the College Admissions Selection Committee is still here to preserve a cultural bias.”