Breaking: It's Officially Too Late to Turn Your Grades Around

A campus-wide alert went out early this morning informing students that, if their plan was to turn their grades around in the latter portion of the  course, it is officially too late to achieve that goal. “Realistically, who has ever managed to turn their grades around in the second half of the course?” University administrations wrote in the widely-circulated email titled, "A Message to the Penn Community on Why You All Suck." Continues the email, “You’ve either got it or you don’t, and kid, if you failed the very first midterm, then you don’t got it.”

In order to improve mental health resources on campus, CAPS is distributing a pamphlet entitled "Why You Should Give Up Now." They argue that happiness comes from realistic expectations of oneself and one’s own abilities. If you desperately need the final exam to bring your grade up to a B, then your grade is likely to stay a D. That doesn’t mean you can’t be happy! It just means that spending all your time isolated in your room, studying for exams that you aren’t going to pass, is going to provide diminishing returns as the semester draws to a close. Instead, students who have low prospects should do something fun and stress-free with their time, like livestream the guy from Doses and Mimosas in place of a normal Spring Fling because a deadly plague still ravages the land.

Everyone wants to believe that they will be the comeback kid, the one with the power to bring a C- average up to an A with one dazzling exam performance, but actually, none of you will be. Mathematically, that seems unlikely, and personally, that’s damn near impossible. At this point in the semester, the winners will keep winning, and the rest of you should focus on maintaining your below-average GPAs and experiencing the delightful quintessential college experiences such as livestreaming a virtual concert featuring dance music you’ve never heard of with your plague pods.