Penn Announces Circumcision Mandate for Fall Semester Following Vaccination Requirement Proposal

After many called for Penn to require vaccines for the fall semester, Penn has reversed course, mandating that everyone must be circumcised before coming to campus this August.

Penn administration outlined several reasons for this questionable decision. For starters, they believe that foreskin is gross.

“Some people want to keep their foreskin, and that’s fine by me. But don’t try and come to my university with that shit,” Penn President Amy Gutmann said. “Penn is a welcoming, inclusive place, but if you want to keep your foreskin, just get out.”

Additionally, Penn sees the mandate as a way of appeasing both sides of the vaccination debate. On the one hand, people who don’t want to take the vaccine can contract a deadly disease on their own terms. On the other hand, people who insist that everyone should be forced into a vaccine can still feel good about enforcing their will on people.

An issue arises, though, due to the fact that women can’t technically have the same circumcision that a man has. Penn’s response to this fact has been one of relative fairness.

“Our stance is simple. We understand that women can’t have the types of circumcisions that men have, and that therefore, the rule shouldn’t apply to them,” Gutmann said. “However, this is discriminatory. So to compensate, we are mandating that women get an extra dose of the measles vaccine.”

Despite another dose of the measles vaccine potentially causing werewolf syndrome and blindness, Penn remains vigilant in its efforts to give both groups equal requirements.

Whether or not Penn is right in the decision, one thing is for certain: no more foreskin at the University of Pennsylvania.