In Midst of COVID Recession the Pleasure Chest Offers New $1400 Deluxe Package

The COVID-19 pandemic has been catastrophic for local businesses. Many have closed their doors forever while others have turned to online shopping and/or OnlyFans to supplement their business' income. However, one local Philadelphia shop, The Pleasure Chest, located at 2039 Walnut St, hasn't let the pandemic affect their store. 

"Unsurprisingly, we've been doing quite well despite the pandemic. Rain, shine or apocalypse ever since Elvis Presley's pelvis sexually awakened the nation, people want sex and they need the right supplies to do that." According to a recent study by Penn Medicine, The Pleasure Chest's pandemic success may be attributed to the fact that many people have been locked up with their significant others for months on end and they've already tried using most common household items to spice up their sex lives.

According to Penn Communications (and other relations), people have been having more sex during the pandemic than before. Perhaps this is also partially responsible for the collective yearning for Pleasure Chest goods. With upcoming stimulus checks arriving soon, many Americans are desperate to pay mortgage payments, utility bills, and even household basics like grocery store trips. 

The Pleasure Chest doesn't want that to happen. In a recent interview, Pleasure Chest owner Warren Ewens discussed his thoughts on where most of America's stimulus check money will go. "People have no jobs and no money, but with the stimulus check coming, we know exactly what the people most need with their incoming cash," stated Ewens. Having spent months using the same old toys, many Philadelphia residents are itching to try something new. 

To keep up with demand, The Pleasure Chest has just announced a new sale that the business is sure will attract customers' stimulus-check-heavy pockets. "We are offering a new deal: The Pirate's Booty. For the low price of $1,400, we will give you a wide range of toys, costumes, and Gatorade (to keep going) custom designed especially for you."

Being compared to the New Deal, this offer is perhaps the thing that will end the pandemic. "America is the nation of sex. Think about great sex symbols: Marylin Monroe, Kate Upton, Marlon Brando. What do they all have in common? American. America is a young, sex-craving nation. It's in our blood. It makes sense that Americans would spend their stimulus checks on sex," explained American historian Olga Dust.

The strategy seems to be working. Already dozens of Americans have expressed interest in the offer. "I've been unemployed since last March and have really been struggling to make ends meet, but more pressing than that, I think my girlfriend is going to leave me if I can't figure out a new way to please her," informed one interviewee who asked to remain anonymous. 

Public high school sex education teacher Mrs. Ambrose was quick to remind us that the pandemic has been hard on people's bank accounts, mental health, and physical wellness, but also on personal relationships. "It's easy to forget that as hard as it is to maintain relationships when we can't meet up in person, it's sometimes even harder to maintain a relationship when you are together 24/7. Without some pretty good sex toys, even the most stable, loving relationships are in grave peril. In many ways this is a threat to our democracy."

As many experts have noted, Americans' lack of suitable adult toys could contribute to the dissolving of the very fabric of our society. For this reason alone it's imperative that businesses like The Pleasure Chest remain open and continue to put together deals like The Pirate's Booty. American marriage rates and birth rates are declining rapidly, the Pleasure Chest helps make sure that both of those categories never fall too low, one of the many reasons adult shops are a necessity of America and should have been considered an essential business. 

The Pleasure Chest sale calls Americans to do their patriotic duty and work to maintain the American image: sex-obsessed, loud, extreme, rude. "They almost got us to give it up when they convinced us that smoking is bad. Despite it, we Americans persevered, supporting songs like WAP and persons like Kim Kardashian. Now in the midst of a pandemic, our businesses, ideals, and society as we know it are under attack. Come on down to the Pleasure Chest with your $1400 stimulus check and we'll help you find something that's sure to please," encouraged Ewens.