The DP Angels answer pressing questions about ketamine, WilCaf, and women's bodies

The DP Angels is an advice column brought to you by your DP Design girlies, where we respond to questions from the Penn community concerning all things romance, social life, and campus culture!

No one has ever offered me ketamine, but now I have FOMO. How can I start?

Sincerely,

In Search of Horse Tranquilizer C ’22

Hi, In Search of Horse Tranquilizer!

It always sucks to feel left out. Unfortunately, this happens at every stage of our lives. It probably goes without saying that your peers do not think you are cool enough to partake! Let’s start there. You’re going to want to let people know you’re “in search of K.” Take a trip to South Street for a nose piercing. Let it get infected. Adopt a British accent. Find your favorite image of a poorly executed mullet, and fashion one for yourself. Chain smoke Natural American Spirits on a very visible porch. With this new persona, get ready to shock your friends with your newfound ability to hang and expand your drug repertoire! 

Hope this helps, 

The DP Angels xoxo

I miss the sense of inferiority I got from buying coffee at WilCaf. How do I replace it?

Sincerely, Oat Milk Whore C ’21

Hi Oat Milk Whore,

So sorry to hear you’re feeling down. Just the thought of standing at WilCaf while a barista with cuffed jeans whispers to their coworkers instead of taking our orders sends chills down our spines, too! While recreating this memory isn’t possible right now, here are a few things to make those brain worms say, "Am I ugly, or do I just have a bad personality?"

1. Have you heard of cyberbullying? Since no one is learning in-person, many people love to get judgy online instead. Putting yourself in a position to get cyberbullied is a great way to be humbled. Try posting to your Instagram story or class GroupMe! We suggest something like “I actually think we should be worried about academic integrity right now” to be canceled instantly. 
2. Consider joining DP Circulation! There’s no better way to eradicate your ego than being repeatedly rejected by people on Locust — even the ones you know!

Hope you can find some solace in these tips,

The DP Angels xoxo

Now that school is online, I can’t judge women based on their bodies. How do I know who to talk to?

Sincerely, 

Lax Bro for Life W ’23

Hey there, Lax Bro for Life!

With things online, we understand that the natural chemistry with strangers that intoxication brings is gone. Getting to know women from a shoulder-up image poses its own challenges. 

Here’s what we suggest:

Start by finding the Snapchats of your potential romantic interests. Add each of them, and send them a super cute snap of your jawline. Feet pics also work! No need to wait for them to respond! Add them all to a private story. Now, you’ll want to post a selfie of half your face with the following caption: “swipe up for tbh & rate haha bored.” Just wait for the women to come running! Now, you can start a conversation with hard-hitters such as “wyd” and “up?” If this doesn’t pan out, try a black screen to the private story that reads “really sad done with social media if u need to reach me hml.” This way, they’ll have no choice but to check in!

Best of luck!

The DP Angels xoxo

The DP Angels is written by ALANA KELLY and ISABEL LIANG. They are both very enthused to have been allowed to write this column and remain unsure about their fields of study and general life direction. You can reach them at dpangels@thedp.com.