Gutmann Rejects "New Normal," Accepts Usual Paycheck

Given the widespread financial hardship due to the coronavirus, many university presidents are taking pay cuts, allowing their schools to use the extra money to cover the costs of COVID-induced expenses and deficits. However, Penn's primary news source, UTB, has just been informed that Amy Gutmann, the country's highest-paid college president, will, in fact, not be following suit.

"Everything's changing due to COVID. I just want it to go back to the way it was!" Gutmann exclaimed when pressed. "I have to wear a mask everywhere. I can't meet up with my friends. My vacation plans were canceled. I'm not allowed to visit my summer estate … it's all too much for me. And what's worse: everyone is talking about this "new normal" like we are never going to be able to go back to how life was before. I'm putting my foot down. I won't accept it." 

Confused by this response, we asked a few follow-up questions, which helped us connect the dots between Gutmann's salary and the coronavirus. With a little investigating, we discovered that accepting her usual paycheck is Gutmann's form of rebellion against COVID-19 and its related restrictions. "This is my little vendetta. I may not be able to live my life how I want to, but at least I can be paid for my misery in cold hard cash," reflected Gutmann. "I can't change how the world is running, but I can demand my usual salary!"

After a moment, Gutmann suddenly grew somber. "But even this isn't what I would have had in normal times," whined the university president. "Usually, my salary increases annually. I have a little game I play with myself where I guess how many million dollars I'll earn. This year, the game isn't very fun since my salary is the same as last year's ($3.6 million), so I already know. :("

Life is hard for everyone during these times, but truly, some are affected more than others. Amy Gutmann bears the brunt of hardship in these confusing and terrible times. UTB lauds Gutmann's bravery as she stands up to the coronavirus by refusing to accept the so-called "new normal." No matter what everyone else is doing, stay strong! Our thoughts and prayers are with you, Amy!