BREAKING: Penn to Implement 10,080 Intermittent 'Engagement Minutes'

After concluding that any substantial chunk of time off might provide too much relief from a pandemic and crippling job market, Penn has announced it will be dividing spring break into 10,080 “engagement minutes.”

In a recent email, Counseling and Psychological Services bravely asked faculty to refrain from assigning work during the 60-second breaks. Instead, students are encouraged to practice the following COVID-safe self-care activities during their engagement minutes:

• Blink violently and then close your eyes really tight for an interesting light show (it’s basically a quiet, pandemic-friendly rave)
• Microwave a hot pocket for barely long enough so that the outside is lukewarm and kinda soggy but some of the pepperonis inside are still frozen 
• Try something vaguely Buddhist, like taking a reallyyyyy long breath. And then try not to be conscious of your own breathing. And then be thankful that you still can breathe, because you are staying COVID-safe.

Despite the initiative’s goal of preventing travel during the pandemic, some Penn students have been determined to pursue their original spring break plans. Gurie Klyfe (W '23) was seen asking, “Has anyone sprinted to Miami and back in 60 seconds?”

CAPS further added that, to maximize students’ convenience, most of these engagement minutes have been scheduled between midnight and 5 a.m.