Caring Professor Announces Final Will Be Called "Midterm" to Relieve Stress

Exams are upon us, and students are stressed as usual. However, one generous professor, physicist Paul Heiney, won't let the end of the year kill his students. On Tuesday, Heiney announced he would be canceling the final exam. Students were shocked and immediately relieved, some crying tears of joy and others nearly going into cardiac arrest. Instead, students will be having a "midterm" that covers the course material for the entire year. 

"This is an important time in a young person's life. We can't have these kids — what's the phrase? — "stressing out" so much," sympathized Heiney. Among many supporters of the change including Oprah Winfrey, Amy Gutmann, Joe Biden, and the late Pope Benedict III, CAPS has been perhaps the most vocal about the decision. 

"As an organization dedicated to pretending to care about student mental health, this is right up our alley!" reported an anonymous (does anybody actually know anyone who works at CAPS?) spokesperson. Heiney's announcement has prompted a wave of action around campus including an official University notification that looked eerily similar to the last University email — almost like someone had "found and replaced," the words "climate change" to "student stress levels."

A University email, titled "A Message to the Penn Community on Combatting Student Stress," included lines such as, "The battle to defeat student stress requires the commitment of nations around the world and all of us personally, and one to which Penn is unwaveringly committed" and "Combatting student stress is one of the paramount challenges of our time," lines that were basically in the last email verbatim. 

Beyond the touching and very sincere email, Penn offered an extra Engagement Day set for July 25. While these are stressful times, Penn has so many understanding professors who truly and deeply care about student stress. First among them, Gutmann recorded a promotional video wishing the best for students saying, "Good luck on your upcoming finals and be sure to take July 25 off— er to engage with your community!"