Self-Identified Extroverted Introvert? You Might Be Eligible for Lethal Injection

Shocking! 99% of the American population did not know this! 

According to the newest guidelines from the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention, all adults residing in Pennsylvania who self-identify as an extroverted introvert will become eligible to receive a lethal injection starting May 1.

In the past several weeks, many Penn students have already received the injection by walking into the FEMA center and claiming the leftover shots. “All you had to do was to call yourself an ‘ambivert’ and swear that you’re totally shy in front of strangers but an absolute menace when you’re with your closest friends,” reports Kate Summers (C ‘22), our chief investigative journalist here at Under the Button, “And then they will ask you if you enjoy spending time alone or with others. If you say some shit along the lines of ‘I enjoy being with people, but I need some me time too,’ you’re good to go.”