Penn Students, Start Misusing Your Privilege More

Since the dawn of time, there has been privilege. First came the dinosaurs: There were those dinosaurs born with arms proportional to body size, and then there was the T-Rex. Then came the Pilgrims, some of whom happened to land on the beautiful shores of Maine, while others landed in Jersey. (Who the hell wants to land in Jersey?) And finally, here I am. A straight white male. Not only do I have arms proportional to my body size, but all of my limbs are proportional to my body size. I’m blessed, to say the least. But for some reason, now more than ever before, Penn students seem to be making an effort to stop misusing their privilege. Claiming that privilege is “unjust,” and “unfair,” students are beginning to support and raise awareness for the less fortunate. Penn students, I have one question: What the fuck are you doing? 

Privilege is so lit. Probably the best thing about being a straight white male. I really wish you guys could all experience it. No catcalls, no dirty looks, and I never have to worry about my identity traits not being an option on forms. Life is good. I'm going to give you guys the benefit of the doubt, and assume the reason you aren’t misusing your privilege is because you don’t know how to. Here are some great ways that I’ve misused my privilege — and if nothing else, somewhere for you to begin doing the same. 

The first is obvious to me: Start breaking the law. Nobody expects a kid in a colorful safari hat and knee-high white socks to be strapped at all times with kilos of coke in his back seat — but here I am. You can literally pull up to a courthouse zooted out of your mind, show off your gun, and do a line of coke in front of the judge and they’ll just chuckle and carry on giving the next minority a life sentence. It’s great. And the best part is this: Even if you do get in trouble, the criminal justice system has got your back. At my last trial, the judge asked me what I think my punishment should be. I got a free, two-week trip to Hawaii out of it. Couldn’t recommend enough. 

If it weren’t for the second way I’ve misused my privilege, I probably would not be at Penn writing this article today. I was very blessed in high school to have a great college guidance counselor. Literally all I had to do to get into Penn was send her some photoshopped pictures of me rowing and she took care of the rest. One of them wasn’t even a photo — it was a doodle! Did Penn mind? Come on, who's gonna turn down this 170-pound slab of legacy and connections? And from what I hear, every stage of my life from here on out pretty much works the same way. Who I am as a person doesn’t matter at all, as long as I have an uncle who works at the firm I’m interested in. 

For those of you who aren’t straight white males, I’m sorry. I'm sorry for the hundreds of years of oppression, injustice, and inequality. But most of all, I'm sorry that you are not a straight white male. If people treated me the way I treat people … jeez, I don't know how I would live. If it were my choice, everyone would have the same amount of privilege as straight white males. But it's not my choice, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Nope, not a thing. Not one single thing. 

AVERAGE WHITE MAN is from Long Island, New York, and is studying PPE and urban studies. He is a self-proclaimed real-estate bro.