To Keep Dorm Names Consistent, Quad Renamed To Prehistoric College House South

 With the impending opening of New College House West, Penn Residential Services has decided to rename the Quad to “Prehistoric College House South.”

As the new descriptive name implies, the Quadrangle dorm building was built with sticks and stones before the invention of language and writing. This explains why the building’s hallways and rooms do not follow any building codes, sanitary codes, or common sense. 

As history progressed, many affiliates of Penn found it appropriate to give large sums of money to the school so that they could carve their name into the prehistoric building. Normally, it is bad juju to carve names into objects without their permission, but Penn has turned a blind eye in order to fill their coffers. Over the course of history, the Prehistoric College House South has accumulated over 5 names, including Rodney, Speakman, and Coxe. Despite its prehistoric origins, the college house has mostly withstood the test of time. 

The renaming scheme was received well by the Penn student body. Many students were happy to put an end to the confusing name. 

“I am excited by this change,” said freshman Kurt Hoenikker. “I was always confused by the Quad’s name. Yes, the Quad has 4 sides, but so does Hill. I remember in my first week on campus, I would go home to the Quad, but I kept accidentally going to Hill because it was the first 4-sided building I saw.”

Penn Residential Services is also considering renaming all dorm buildings. For instance, Hill College House may be renamed to Brick. 

“We should definitely rename Hill,” said Penn Residential Services spokesperson Trout Orwell. “It’s not a fucking hill. Why call it Hill when it is clearly a brick.” 

Penn Residential Services released a preliminary list of names that are being considered for each college house.

Hill: Brick

Rodin: Tall Green T

Harrison: Tall Red T

Harnwell: Tall Yellow T

Lauder: Beeeg Hallways

Kings Court English: Prehistoric College House North

Stouffer: Wawa

Sansom: Where The Fuck #1

Gregory: Where The Fuck #2

Du Bois: Where The Fuck #3