University Announces Student Vaccine Distribution Plan for Penn Community

On Wednesday March 31, President Amy Gutmann and the Board of Trustees finalized their plan to distribute vaccines to members of the Penn community. This comes in tandem with the University’s announcement that the fall 2021 semester will once again see in-person instruction. 

The Daily Pennsylvanian reporters met with school administrators earlier this morning to collect information about the logistical outline of the coming weeks. Chief among their concerns were which groups would receive priority during the vaccination roll-out and how the University was honoring its commitment to vaccine equity.

Phase One 

First in line will be the upstanding brothers of Zeta Beta Tau, an organization universally acknowledged for housing some of the most attractive individuals on campus. Many can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that these boys are once again eligible for dating. The Board of Trustees claimed that as “total hotties,” these boys are in dire need of some sweet 5G juice. Other fraternities will follow in their lead, selected for eligibility based on their standing in the vibrant online community of Greekrank. 

Legacy students will also be prioritized in the first phase of Penn’s vaccination campaign. Suffering from a pre-existing condition of being “loaded,” legacy students will be afforded protection from the virus to ensure their wealth remains within family hands. However, due to the countless number of unqualified, mentally unsophisticated legacy students on campus, certain criteria will differentiate them according to relative need. University representatives stated legacy students whose “dads are someone important” will receive the vaccine first, while the children of professors (poor) will have to wait until Phase One ends.

Despite being “uglier” than the brothers of ZBT and a mere millionaire — laughable when compared to the vast fortunes of some legacy students — President Biden will also be included in Phase One. Although we are unsure of what duties the president has and whether the Capitol Building and the White House are separate structures, our reporters have been assured that President Biden does indeed perform certain roles one might characterize as “important." These roles include — though are not limited to — facilitating the upward transfer of wealth to the ruling class. 

Phase Two

Although our resident health experts assure us that no athlete is in direct risk of contracting severe COVID-19, University officials pity athletes, given their sole purpose at this university is cheap entertainment. Normal years rarely feature victories for our student-athletes, so the University felt it was only fitting that they “got their win” this time. Not to mention that we miss the sight of their beefy, developed calf muscles strutting towards Franklin Field. 

Remember that kid who avoided eye contact on Locust but friended you on LinkedIn the next day? Yeah, we thought so, and he’s getting the vaccine during Phase Two. His networking skills have languished in the absence of any meaningful social interaction, and we’re sure he will optimize his vaccine in a way none of us could ever imagine. He may be a dick, but he will have several boats. 

Phase Three

The third phase will see the majority of campus receiving the vaccine. It is worth noting that by this phase, the remaining shots will likely be AstraZeneca, stored in three refrigerators found in the decrepit depths of 1920 Commons. The Board of Trustees “does not really see this being a huge issue,” given their apparent absence of concern for the student body’s well-being throughout the pandemic. 

Sororities will receive the vaccine during this phase, though only after each fraternity member has been administered their second dose. Anticipating criticism characterizing this move as “sexist” and “discriminatory against women,” the Board of Trustees responded, saying that “the University’s president is actually a woman, so how can we be sexist?” 

Other groups included in the third phase are Wharton consulting clubs with ridiculous acronyms, Benjamin Franklin Scholars (because we’re still not quite sure what they actually do), Engineering students who are cute but don’t necessarily realize it, and weird Engineering students who should probably use this opportunity to work on their hygiene anyway. Despite having no demonstrated need to meet in person, student arts groups who have performed via Zoom will also receive the vaccine to spare others from the immense pain generated by their silly little shows. 

... Phase Eighteen

Any individual who has ever written for or been associated with the student publication Under the Button will be barred from ever receiving the COVID-19 vaccine. CDC guidelines state that individuals suffering from severe mental illness should not take the vaccine, excluding the UTB writing staff until at least 2022. Nursing students will have their vaccines extracted from their bloodstreams to provide surplus doses for ZBT members. 

Advocates for the West Philadelphia community have admonished Penn for its inability to prevent outbreaks within its student body — outbreaks that threaten the safety and well-being of the community’s residents. However, Gutmann herself made it a point to reassert the fact she simply “DGAF,” and that Penn students will be receiving the vaccine anyway. While the vaccine rollout plan will not satisfy everyone, the Board of Trustees spent a whole 10 minutes figuring this out, and it is hoping that it will do the job.