Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Resist Your Cousin’s Sexual Advances in Quarantine?

“Sorry Addie!” you call over your shoulder as you take off at a sprint. “This is for your sake and mine. If you refuse to social distance, I’ll social distance for you.”

“Watch your back, asshole!” hollers Addie after you. You hear a pow pow from behind you. You tumble to the ground, stunned. Incredulously, you watch as blood pools beneath you. There’s a tightness in your shoulder and left thigh. You’re speechless. Soft footsteps approach you from behind. 

“Social distance my ass,” Addie growls, stepping into your line of sight. They’re holding a pistol- why the fuck does Addie have a pistol? “You never know when you’ll need a gun,” explains Addie matter-of-factly, sensing your question. “Especially when a do-nothing cousin like you tries to make a quick escape like you just did.” Addie walks towards you. Ten feet, nine feet, eight, seven, six-

“Addie, stop!” you gasp as blood pours from your wounds. “I can tolerate the gunshot wounds, but I cannot in good conscience allow you to take a single step closer. The CDC says that everyone, even those in the same household, ought to keep six feet apart at all times. Social distancing is essential in slowing the spread of the virus.”

Addie harrumphs and stops. “Well, at least let me check out those gunshot wounds.”

 “Addie, no — how many times do I need to tell you? Six feet apart at all times.” 

 “Well, I guess it can’t hurt if you help stem the blood loss…”