Ally Behavior! This Straight Woman Does Poppers

Happy Pride Month to all the girls (and gays)!

Poppers, a recreational drug that users can partake in by sniffing from a small bottle, is popular among the LGBTQ community.

To stand in solidarity with her gay besties, Nicole Ryan (C '24) has upped her consumption of poppers.

"Ever since some tall kind man passed me a bottle at that one late night, my life has changed," relates Ryan, "It's like dousing my entrails in some warm, prismatic, and palpitating liquid… And the liquid is caressing my insides. The first time I took a sniff, I felt like a fast, scorching current of air was shooting from my body."

Reportedly, Ryan has been doing poppers left and right ever since.

"We were doing a little gathering at my apartment the other night," Scott Oldman (C '22), one of Ryan's gay friends, described, "We were talking. We weren't even drinking or smoking at that point. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Nicole pulled out a bottle and took a massive whiff of poppers. I mean, it was so massive to the point where she was wheezing. It was very perplexing… Like, should I be offended? She is literally the straightest woman I know."

"Yeah, she would not stop doing poppers that night," Ryan's other gay friend Josh Compas (C '21) told us, "We were like, 'what are you doing,' but she just kept chanting 'hashtag queen shit' over and over, and then I said, 'it's literally Pride Month, Nicole,' and she was like, 'exactly.'"

We reached out to Ryan for comment. She got back to us a day later after the comedown from the high. She emphasized her ally status and claimed that she was "doing her part to support the LGBTQ community," and she's totally going to "go topless at Pride" and "stream Chromatica."