Sophomore Unaware He Is at Exact Moment When Gifted Child Turns into Burnt Out Adult

In a developing story out of Norfolk, Neb., Jesse Liang (C ’23) is entering the exact moment in which he turns from an adorable child prodigy, reading way above his grade level, into a grumpy, underachieving grown up.

“In high school, I was valedictorian. I brought our mock trial team to the state. Did I mention I was editor-in-chief of our newspaper? And yearbook? I did it all. I broke records on the track team. My sculpture was the front piece in the art room. I was the first person to go to an Ivy from my high school in ten years. When I graduated, the principal cried harder than my mom,” reports Liang. 

At Penn, Liang is a biannually participating member of Penn Outdoors Club and a thrice-rejected submitter to Penn Review. He got cut from both ZBT and Phi after two rounds of open rush.

“He’s such a special child. He was reciting Confucius’ quotes as he came out of the womb. We’re sure he’ll find his footing if given time,” Liang’s parents told us.

“Jesse is our precious baby! Jesse makes us proud! Wait, what is this interview for, again? Did Jesse get into Harvard? See? I told you! Jesse is destined for greatness …” So reported Liang’s four grandparents.

Following last year’s COVID-19 debacle, Liang stayed at his childhood bedroom in Nebraska and took online classes from there. He is currently rocking a single major in the College, and a dwindling GPA, and no internships or research prospects.

“I’m sure I’ll make my comeback. After things go back to normal and I get back to campus … I’m only going to be a junior. I have time …” mused Liang, who was last seen throwing out two massive trash bags full of empty Bud Light cans.