Report: High School Friends Remain Uncultured, Uneducated Swine

A new study found that, despite any expectations to the contrary, your high school friends are still uncultured, uneducated swine.

Let’s face it: you go to an Ivy League school. It’s obvious what this makes you -- an academic behemoth of which your back-home friends could never understand. But what does this make them?

The harsh reality is that this makes them beneath your high-level intellectual mind. They are, in essence, pigs rolling around in a trough. Those who conducted the study say as such.

“Of course, your back home friends are important. You were with them throughout your early life,” Penn sociology professor Arthur Higbrow said. “But they aren’t on your level anymore. And truly, they never really were. They were always dimwitted idiots, but you were just too naïve to notice it.”

In terms of cultural dissimilarities, you and your high school friends couldn’t be farther apart. You drink Natty Lights like a classy individual. Meanwhile, your old friends are drinking piss straight out of the shared dorm toilets nightly.

Additionally, your summer looks way different than theirs. While you’ll be busy working an incredibly boring internship or research job, your friends will be hanging out by the pool, basking in the joys of summer. Which would you rather have? The answer is pretty obvious, given that, as we all know, fun is for the weak-willed.