Lonely Teen Finds Cool New Summer Friend: Mom

With so much still remote this summer, many people are lonely, spending hours in front of a screen while never really interacting with anyone. However, to one teen, Michael Green (C '24), loneliness has become a thing of the past ever since he made a cool, new friend: Mom. 

Mom, who also goes by the nicknames of Mama, and on occasion, Mother, has provided crucial support for Michael since his return from school in May. They spend many hours together engaged in some of their favorite activities including, going for walks, brunch, gardening, tea, and making little origami frogs that jump when you flick them.

"I used to have to get wasted to feel really comfortable with my "friends" in college, but with Mom, I feel like I've known her forever. She literally knows everything about me, so we have no secrets between us," reported Green. "Since I don't have an internship, Mom and I have been spending most of our free time together. Sometimes we go on errands to the grocery store, the bank, or the library. Other times we cook together. And sometimes we just curl up on the couch and watch a movie."

"I hope that come fall, Michael can make some friends his age," reported his new best friend, Mom. "It's nice that he wants to spend so much time with me, but honestly, it's getting a bit excessive. Sometimes he's waiting for me as I come out of the bathroom. I caught him one time watching me sleep. Then, when he saw I was awake, he said, 'Yay, Mommy, play with me.'  It's getting creepy."

According to Green, he considered taking a gap year next year to "work on himself," which he elaborated would actually mean spending more time with Mom. Immediately afterward, Mom wrote in to inform us that "under no circumstance would Michael be taking a gap year next fall. To any readers of this publication, if you see a scrawny-looking blonde boy named Michael Green, please be his friend. I have some money I'd be willing to 'donate.' I just need a break from that boy."