Penn Institutes Footloose Rules to Prevent Covid-19 Outbreak in the Fall

Penn announced this week that they will be adding restrictions to the Campus Compact in anticipation of the fall semester. After Amy Gutmann's recent viewing of Footloose (1984), where she sympathized with the strong town leader, Reverend Shaw Moore, and her subsequent conversion to Christianity, she updated the Compact to reflect the rules upheld in Elmore City: no dancing and absolutely no rock-and-roll music.

There are currently no studies proving dancing is a key contributor to the transmission of Covid‑19. However, Amy and the Board of Trustees have announced their intentions to make Fall 2021 the worst semester yet.

An interview with UTB, SAC President, and outspoken Christian Jayson Greeters revealed that all SAC-funded dance groups, including Dhamaka, Strictly Funk, and Arts House, will be defunded effectively immediately. "We can't risk it," said Greeters, "Covid transmission is incredibly low right now, but if Amy says dancing causes an increase, I'll do whatever I can to make sure Penn students are as miserable as possible."

Greeters, a brave Christian, presented UTB authors with studies about how dancing leads to risky and unlawful behaviors, like drinking, sex, laughing, and homosexuality, and by extension, Covid-19. "We're going back to our Christian roots!" Greeters yelled before calling me a fag and giving me a swirlie.