Simulation Glitch: Women Over 45 Open Mouths, Portuguese Comes Out

"Honey, speak English, please." "Mommy, why are you speaking funny?" "Bitch...are you speaking Portuguese?" These are just some of the outcries from the families of women over 45 who have fallen. These women are victims of the simulation glitch—the Portuglitch—that's trapping them in a state of miscommunication. Lonelier than ever, women over 45 worldwide are stranded in their new reality: Portuguese. 

At 12:46 a.m. Sunday, June 20th, a switch flipped, and nothing has made any fucking sense since. James Jameson, a bartender in Brooklyn, describes his experience of trying to hit on a woman over 45 during the Portuglitch, "I was talking up this milf at the bar, naamsayin', and we were just like straight vibin', naamsayin.' She seemed chill n shit when she just started spewing Chinese or some wiggly Spanish or somn'. I just thought I was high as fuck." 

Women over 45 worldwide closed their eyes on Saturday night, oblivious to the fragility of their existence, and awoke Sunday morning fluent in Portuguese. 

Frank Shephard, the husband to Anita Shephard, tells UTB: "As I herded my wife to bed late Saturday night like the little sheep she is, I heard her utter something strange. I thought her sleeping pills were working a little too well, but I couldn't understand a word she was saying when she woke up the following day. At first, I thought she was having a stroke; then I thought roleplay?" Upon turning on the news and seeing subtitles translating the news anchor's Portuguese, Frank quickly understood the situation at hand. He basked in not communicating with his wife for a few moments as he let the gravity of her mid-life crisis sink in. 

While amusing at first, the Portuglitch has profound political, social, and economic implications. In a statement to the US people, Kamala Harris said: "Não temos nada a temer. Estou confiante de que o povo americano se adaptará e aceitará esse novo modo de vida. Pelo menos não estamos falando com sotaque de Nova Jersey, estou certo?” 

As if this message wasn't confusing enough, the media was surprised when stars such as Halle Berry, Gwen Stefani, Betty White, Jennifer Lopez, and Sofia Vergara were affected by the glitch after years of hiding their age. Gwen Stefani tried to assure her fans she was an exception to the rule... but it was unfortunately lost in translation, and she has no fans. Shakira, only 44, speaks on her youth: "I feel for all my 45-year-old Mami's out there, but my hips won't lie... I'm feeling really good about being 44 right now. Damn, that would have sucked!"

Scientists, theologists, and philosophers alike are fascinated by this unprecedented incident. Conspiracy theories are clogging the internet, such as these women are hexed, being punished for lack of modesty, Bill Gates accidentally switched our setting to Portuguese on his world-controlling app, and that we are having a social and cultural rebirth. The theory that this is a side effect of the COVID vaccine is exponentially gaining popularity. 

Experts don't know what to expect next and urge us to hug our families a little tighter, for there may be more glitches in the foreseeable future.

Stay tuned in the coming weeks to find out the answer to the world's most pressing question: Is this change for Portugood? Or, as Stacy from down the block would say, "é esta mudança para Portugood?"

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