Van Pelt Library Announces Rectal Exams as Theft Precaution

After years of the continued theft of literally nothing by students, Van Pelt Library staff announced this week that they would be partnering with Student Health Services to conduct rectal exams before students exit the library.

“Oh yeah, people can fit anything up there if they really try,” security guard Rebecca Stefani told UTB. “I’ve seen people smuggling pens, laptops, microphones, dictionaries, encyclopedias, and even librarians in their buttholes. Last week, I caught two guys walking back-to-back out of the library, and when I stopped them, it turns out they were carrying a printer between them, one half in each rectum”. 

The checks will take place behind the glass in the Moelis Family Grand Reading Room, which will also still function as a silent study area. This policy is to encourage full transparency. 

If you scream when the guard opens your butt, you will be permanently banned from the library. Of course, during high traffic times, rectal exams will be conducted by peers, enforced by the Penn honor code.

This change comes courtesy of Penn’s new program: All-New UPenn Services (ANUS). Some of these changes include rectal thermometer temperature checks to enter Pottruck Gym and new caffeine enemas at Houston Market. 

“Covid-19 has been a hard time for all of us,” said Nina Jones, director of ANUS. “I miss hugging, kissing, and putting my fingers in the buttholes of my friends. Honestly, butt stuff turns me on so much, and I wanted to make sure that the new programs we institute allow me to get my rocks off.” 

The mandatory rectal examinations were met with protests from student groups, who say that rectal examinations are a violation, and our asses are private property. However, they have no legal ground because Penn owns our asses.