Elvira, "Mistress of the Dark," Named as New President of University of Pennsylvania

The Board of Trustees of the University of Pennsylvania has just announced Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, as the new president of the University, replacing Amy Gutmann after her final term.

“I’ve done it all. Movies, tv, music,” Elvira told UTB. “I figured it was time to look into other ventures, and the spot opened up! Apparently, the Board of Trustees wanted someone who was ‘less evil’”. 

While the University was also considering Hulk Hogan, Alex Baldwin, and Cyndi Lauper, they ultimately went with Elvira because she was willing to do the job for the cheapest and appealed most to the ghosts of investors past.