Tragic! Area Woman Dies After 10-Minute Male Attention Withdrawal

As of 10 o'clock this morning, Philadelphia resident, Stephanie Lopez (C '19), was found dead in her one-bedroom apartment. An autopsy revealed that the cause of death was none other than a lethal case of male attention withdrawal. 

"I kept telling her to just do cocaine instead," reports her bestie, Walter Green (W '19). "She just wouldn't listen," Green stated while in between sobs. 

Lopez was known by her loved ones as an "attention whore beyond repair" and a "boy-crazy horny slut." The men in her life described her as "needy as hell," "low-key hot, but definitely not worth it, ya know," and "never knows when it's time to leave my fucking place in the morning."

A former drinker and stoner, Lopez allegedly discovered male attention after she came to college and dyed her hair blonde. Ever since, men were the only thing occupying her consciousness. 

This morning, Lopez opened Instagram to find that she was left on seen by a guy she liked. She wilted and then proceeded to listen to Thinking Bout You by Frank Ocean three times. Within 10 minutes, she upped and died.

Lopez was famous for her poetry about sex and her down-bad tweets. May her memory be a blessing.