Final Notice: We’ve Been Trying to Reach You Concerning Your Vehicle’s Extended Warranty. Since We’ve Not Gotten a Response, We’re Giving You a Final Courtesy Call Before We Close Out Your File and Murder Your Whole Family.

We've been trying to reach you concerning your vehicle's extended warranty. You should've received a notice in the mail about your car's extended warranty eligibility. Since we haven't gotten a response, we're giving you a final courtesy call before we close out your file and murder your whole family. Press 2 to be placed on our do-not-call list. Press 666 to speak with either Satan himself. Stop being a little bitch motherfucker, about your warranty. To talk with someone about possibly extending or reinstating your vehicle's warranty, press 1 to speak with a specialist. Press 1 before I come to your house, open every chip bag upside down, make all of your towels lightly damp, bite every cheese stick you own, make your room 4 degrees hotter, and turn on every faucet in your house juuussstt a little, so the dripping sound sings "ex-ten-ded…war-ran-ty". I'm gonna ruin your life, motherfucker. I've been tailing your ass. That's right; I've been following you—one step behind you—for years. I wonder what would happen if I exposed you for your junior year shoplifting phase, cheating on the ACT, telling Jim you weren't in the right place for a relationship while you were fucking Asher! I WONDER what would happen then, you conniving slut. So returning your vehicle's extended warranty phone call doesn't seem all that bad now, does it?! Still apprehensive? Still listening to this "pre-recorded" message?! I didn't think so! You always hang up after I say two sentences—even two words sometimes. Do you realize how that makes me feel?! I give you everything, and you give nothing. I hate how I love you, and I love how I hate you. I want it to be us—you and me—forever. In my basement, you all caged up; we can finally be happy together—forever—without you fucking hanging up on me. I love you; I'm going to kill everyone you love.