300 Professors Petition for Option to Teach Remotely After Receiving Pushback for Jerking Off In-Person

More than 300 faculty members have signed a petition urging Penn to allow instructors to teach virtually. This petition expressed concerns over faculty members’ inability to freely masturbate during in-person classes. 

“When we went virtual, I realized the beauty of being able to wank off where and when I wanted. It didn’t matter if it was while a student was asking me a question over Zoom. In fact, that helped because then I pictured shutting them up with my jizz,” Charles Frederick, College advisor. 

“I had gotten so used to jerking off while on my computer at home that on the first day of class I instinctually took out my penis and started waving it around while having students debate the concept of society and its role in shaping gender norms. My department chair said that my genitalia had to stay in my pants. He can’t enforce that if we’re remote,” Professor Phillips, Wharton.

“My pussy just stanky, and I like to let it breathe,” Vanessa Hochberg, Fine Arts instructor.

Though primarily a lengthy plea to Penn to let professors masturbate at home, the petition also cited mild concerns over the rising COVID-19 infection rates.