Climate Week: Residential Halls Replace Toilet Paper With Sandpaper to See if Anyone Notices

In case you missed those piddly little signs stuck in the grass around campus - it’s Climate Week! WOO-HOO. Now all the radicals who put this together can get this on their resume from their AC’ed rooms. Get your lighters out to survive the total sum of nothing organised!

Now, I know what you’re thinking. ‘Oscar, don’t be so negative! It’s only the residential halls, dining rooms, classrooms, gyms and fifteen Starbucks which use disposable materials!’

And you know what, you’re right! The sanitary department is making real waves in the community. In a new last-ditch effort to save those polar bears, we’re going paper free. No, this is not just another money-saving venture like sending us online, you silly goose, but a real, tangible, big-picture change to enhance Penn’s global impact right here from lil’ old Philly. Aw shucks. 

‘So what are we to wipe our soiled derrieres with, Oscar? How can we retain our civility in these uncertain times?’ 

My culture might do it differently from yours, but don’t worry, our good cleaner-douchers found a solution: sandpaper. If you’re a cricket fan you’ll already know how sexy this cheeky devil can be down your pants (hey Steve), but now we can all try it! Alas, what will really change?