Gutmann’s Appointment to German Ambassadorship Wreaks Havoc on Relations between NATO Member States

The Penn community was startled this summer to find that President Amy Gutmann had been selected by the Biden Administration to be Ambassador to Germany. Exhibiting bravery characteristic of Penn’s pedagogical and civic mission, Gutmann accepted the nomination in spite of lacking any relevant political experience. Careful examination of her resume failed to produce any clear evidence of statecraft or diplomacy, two qualities crucial for managing international relations. 

Undeterred by this obstacle, Gutmann will soon inhabit a position of significance maintaining the delicate balance of power responsible for peace and prosperity. Following her students’ lead, Gutmann now finds herself as the beneficiary of direct nepotism after years of faithful service to the cruel machine of American power.

Germany’s key role within the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) cannot be understated. Containing Russian aggression, regulating the proliferation of nuclear weapons, and facilitating strategic military ventures are some of the organization’s most important functions. One of the brains behind the self-checkout cafe in the basement of Van Pelt library will soon advise on some of the most pressing geopolitical matters.