Op-Ed: I’m Not Manspreading, I Shit Myself

“Manspreading” is defined as when a man sits with his legs spread wide apart in a public area in an effort to assert dominance. I have often been accused of manspreading, but as a person who is plagued with anxiety and is barely confident enough to go grocery shopping without a friend, I can assure you this is not my goal.

Besides a beautiful circumcised penis that would look impeccable in a little top hat, my jewish heritage has endowed me with IBS, which ensures that at any given moment there is a 75% chance my pants are absolutely bursting with shit.

Being a constant warrior against IBS is not easy, and I often must spread my legs to prevent shit from sliding into my crotch and up my p-hole, giving me sepsis and killing me instantly. I constantly sacrifice my public persona as a #WokeKingAlly to women, who throw tomatoes at my crotch the instant they see more than a quarter of an inch gap between my kneecaps.

If you see me taking up 2 seats after drinking a cold brew in WilCaf, mind your business.