Op–Ed: Wanna See My Bruises?

Hey girl! How’s it going? Oh my god I know right, the other night was crazy. 

So like before I headed out to pregame, I already took 2 shots of Smirnoff at home. Unhinged AF, amirite? Girl, I know. I’m literally so crazy. And then I went to Pine for a small pregame with my closest girlies and we were doing Tequila and Tequila only, mhm, yeah, you know the vibe. And then… right, it was after that that we saw each other, right? Yeah, totally, I was walking on Baltimore, you were coming that way, did we say hi? God, forgive me, I was already so trashed at that point. And then I was heading to Fiji, I’m pretty sure.

Wait wait wait, wanna see my bruises? Here, let me show you. See this one on my calf, it was purple yesterday, and it was mauve two days ago. Now it’s yellowish green. Brittany said it’s the size of her boyfriend’s dick, she’s so crazy! Have you met her? You like can’t even take her anywhere. Anyway, I mean, I guess the size is more like my fist, because I’m so tiny. Not gonna lie, I’m like actually so small. The other night a guy lifted me up and threw me in the air like a couple of times. I think he was on the volleyball team. And volleyballs are like so light, right?

Wait, I haven’t shown you the bruises on my left leg yet. This one is from the beer garden, this one is from the pool party, like obvs. These three are from NSO. This one is from NSO last year. The one behind my knee is from NSO two years ago. Wait and let me show you my inner arm, this small patch right here is actually lighter than the rest and when I press it down it doesn’t hurt. The rest of my arm is like darker and hurts. Crazy stuff!