Prankster "Poopy Doopy" is Supersaturating New College House with Poop

New College House resident, Andrew Young, was woken abruptly Thursday morning by what he thought were his own farts. He quickly made his way to the bathroom, hoping to avoid losing another mattress to the will of his bowels. Young sat atop his toilet, and pushed with all of his might, anger, and financial stress from buying 3 new mattresses in August alone, but nothing came out. “Peculiar”, Andrew said to himself with a British accent. As he pulled his trousers back up, and clipped his suspenders into place, he noticed something sticky and stinky beneath his right foot. Andrew looked down to find nothing else but another man’s poop enveloping his big toe. “My favorite toe!” Andrew shouted. 

Andrew, unfortunately, is not the only New College House resident who has lost their favorite toe to the tomfoolery of the prankster who students are now calling “the Poopy Doopy”. There have been 76 reports of “poop” in New College House this week alone. All of the reports of “poop” fit the same description, being of a medium to tender consistency, oddly containing scraps of packing peanuts, and suspiciously smelling like “the corner of 38th and Spruce st”. 

Many questions remain regarding the identity and tactics of the Poopy Doopy. Is he working alone? Is he not poop shy at all? Where did he get all of these packing peanuts? One thing is for certain, however - he has become an absolute celebrity on campus. 

“I just love what it stands for,'' College sophomore Julia Ross wrote in. “I totally get what he’s doing. He is saying no, you can’t just build this building here. You can’t just turn what used to be a beautiful construction site into a new building without expecting to get pooped on.”

All package stores within a 20 mile radius of campus are also supposedly out of packing peanuts, as Doopy fans are feasting on them. Sewage drains are being clogged left and right as a result. Speaking on the matter, outgoing President Amy Gutmann commenced, “Boys want to be him, girls want to be with him." 

Poopy Doopy, reveal yourself before you run out of poop. We will embrace you with open arms and open bowels.