OP-ED: They Should Replace Amy Gutmann With a White Guy

As Penn bids a farewell to our lord and savior President Doctor Amy Gutmann before she leaves for Germany, the University awaits new leadership. As it does, Penn sets its eyes on Gutmann’s successor. But who shall it be? Another white Scorpio woman from Brooklyn, New York who laughs at her own jokes during convocation speeches? I don’t think so.

I propose a novel solution that no one (historically) has ever thought of. A never-done-before, one-of-a-kind, transfer of power that will make history. White Men! We love to see it. First off, we have never seen a white man on Penn’s campus before. Not a single one. Penn is an institution that celebrates diversity, right? Shouldn’t we have more safe spaces for white men?

As a white man myself, I’d love to see more of us represented on Penn’s campus. Last year, Under the Button endorsed Kim Kardashian West as Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s replacement, and it is about time we do the same for Gutmann’s successor. I call upon my fellow staff members at Under the Button to join me in advocating for a white guy to represent all of us. I propose the following very white, very very male suitable candidates:

Pitbull

James Corden

Grimes’ ex-husband

Priyanka Chopra

A White Guy President is not only what we need, but what we all deserve. Hurrah Hurrah.