REPORT: Wilcaf Nepotism Responsible for Rising Student Unemployment Rate

A groundbreaking report done by the United States Department of Labor has found that the University of Pennsylvania’s student unemployment rate has skyrocketed in the aftermath of Penn Student Agency’s (PSA) ruthless hiring process.

One of the agencies linked to the largest increase of student unemployment rates since the Great Depression was William’s Cafe, otherwise known as Wilcaf. This particular group prides itself for being Penn’s premier organization (no elaboration needed, that’s it).

When asked about this year’s hiring process, Wilcaf general manager Tara Mazu (C’22) commented, “This year we had so many qualified applicants, so much so that we abandoned any notion of a meritocracy and instead opted to go with people we already knew were certified vibe curators. Nepotism, if you will.”

When questioned on the potential implications of nepotism and its impact on the economy. Mazu elaborated, “Yeah, I don’t know. All I know is that my friend’s little sister is really cool. So I gave her a job.”

Wilcaf is currently under investigation by The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. This article will post updates as the investigation ensues.