REPORT: COVID Spit Tests Longer Than 20 Seconds Indicate Head Game Weak

An important new study conducted by the Perelman School of Medicine has established a correlation between the average time a person spends on a COVID saliva test and their performance while giving head. The study concluded that if it takes you longer than 20 seconds to fill that little tube with spit, your head game is most likely trash. 

According to researchers, and to the guy you hooked up with last weekend, the ability to rapidly produce as much saliva as possible is directly related to giving enjoyable fellatio (or, to use the scientific term, “that vacuum seal double hand twist gawk gawk 3000”). 

Some questioned the usefulness of such a study in the midst of the ongoing pandemic, but scientists assured us it is worthwhile. “It’s important that we know all we can about COVID,” said the lead researcher, “And even more important that we have an objective metric to determine who gives the best sloppy toppy.”

The results of the study have not come without controversy, however. One junior student, who requested anonymity, defended her slow spit times. “I think it’s totally bullshit. You know you’re not supposed to drink water for 30 minutes before? So yeah, sometimes it takes me a little while to get warmed up, but that doesn’t mean anything. I give great head - right babe?” Her boyfriend, who was present, could not be reached for comment.