OP-ED: It's Easy to Breathe in a Mask

Beloved members of the Penn Community:

I’d like to bring your attention to something that has been on my mind a lot recently. In case some of you don’t know, school has been in session. I forgot temporarily as I was extremely busy building houses for disadvantaged children and spreading the word of the good Lord during my summer away in the Seychelles. Particularly as I had become accustomed to joining class poolside in other countries and receiving accommodations for my clinically-tested special needs, coming back was quite the adjustment. 

Though I suffered through a flight with a layover in Dubai and subpar business class seating, I was eager to get back to campus. I had the option of going back last semester, but the thought of wearing a mask seemed less ideal than going to countries where I wouldn’t be required to wear one. Even though I was contributing so much to all of these places, I really missed the boys and foreign girls just don’t hit the same. Hearing about all of the freshmen coming to campus, I knew I’d want to be with the brothers. 

Now, I had my reservations about wearing a mask. I felt like masks restrict both my liberties and airways. However, I take laws for their literal meaning. I’ve been really happy to find that my assumptions about masks were wrong. They’re so easy to breathe in. Just goes to show that you shouldn’t make assumptions. I hate when people assume that my parents are cousins; they are siblings!

After being so pleasantly surprised, I want to encourage the rest of you to wear a mask. I’m sure you all have similar concerns about the imposition of liberal propaganda in our schools, but overcoming adversity is important and it’s really not as hard to be a white man and wear a mask as you might think. 

My trusty CVS mask has allowed me to come back to campus and meet new people. I might not have supported this lifestyle before, but I certainly do now! So, to my fellow skeptics, wear a mask, it’s not that bad! They’re so easy to breathe in and I haven’t gotten COVID. I started believing and fearing the devil’s disease when my grandma died from it last month after eating at a Chinese restaurant in 2016. So far, I’ve been safe; I think it’s a combination of my praying and the fact that everyone gives me lots of space. They’re so respectful of me! Don’t take it from the CDC, take it from me, your local, knowledgeable, good, Christian citizen.